More Words This Time...

Remember how I said I had stuff to say? Well at the time I wrote that, I wasnt sure what exactly I was planning on writing about, but something inetesting has crossed my blogging path recently, and I just feel like I have to write about it.
I am hesitant to link to the blog in question, because I really dont want to promote her cause in any way. But some of you adoption bloggers may know the case I'm talking about where a birthmom is trying to regain custody of the daughter she placed for adoption in January of 2004. Yes, 2004. The little girl will turn 6 this January. SIX. This little girl has lived with another couple, in another state for her entire life. And the firstmom/birthmom feels as though she was deceived regarding the level of openness the adoptive family is providing.
In brief, the birthmom trusted the adoptive couple, whom she met on the internet and formed a relationship with during her pregnancy. They eventually met in person, flying the pregnant birthmom to their home in another state to spend time together getting to know each other. They all seemed to be on the same page re: openness, visits, communication, etc. Then, when the baby was 8 months old, contact slowed to a complete stop and their relationship was severed at the request of the adoptive parents.
This woman's website gives no mention of potential reasons for their decision. She repeats herself over and over, saying that the adoptive family had never filed a specific form that was supposed to dictate the open adoption agreement they allegedly had. This one form or document was never filed with the court, so according to the website, the birthfamily has no legal rights to enforce or fight for.
That is the BASICS of the situation. There is so much more, but what it boils down to is: the adoptive family and the birthmom allegedly agreed that there would be an open adoption with visits and calls and letters. The birth and adoption story were aired on The Discovery Channel's show about such topics and all parties were interviewed. There is a form that needed to be filed to ensure that the court would enforce the open adoption agreement they all had. The adoptive family never filed that form. The birthmom placed the baby with the adoptive family without making sure the form had been filed. And now that things are finalized, the agreement isnt enforceable, and the birthmom feels deceived.
While I do not know this woman, I do have some questions for her. HOW does one place a child for adoption without first 'dotting all their i's and crossing all their t's'? If an open adoption was soooo critical to her and it was absolutely the ONLY WAY she was placing this child with this couple, then WHY didnt she check to make SURE the form had been filed? Why didnt she ask for a copy of the filed document? Why didnt she double, triple, and quadruple check to make sure HER needs were met BEFORE she handed the baby over?
I know that was probably one of the hardest decisions she has ever made in her life. She says so on her website. But if that is the case, then WHY didnt she follow up to protect herself and her desire for openness?
I know she trusted this couple. She admits that. But no matter how much I TRUST someone, I would never willingly place my child in their care forever and ever without making sure we were all truly on the same page, in the same book, and legally BOUND to one another.
Another problem I have with this situation: the child is almost 6. SIX! My nephew is six and I can not IMAGINE having to explain all of this to him in terms he can understand. HOW does this woman think she will explain this to this innocent little girl who didnt ask for any of this drama? I find it very interesting that the website dedicated to "Bring _____ Home" gives very little mention to how the CHILD must feel about all this. "How will all of this effect (the little girl)?" is NEVER addressed on the site. Shouldnt mothers be thinking about their child FIRST? How can she truly think that a legal battle and media war of words will BENEFIT this child? Why isnt anyone talking about the CHILD in this situation? Its all about how the birthmom feels deceived and wronged by the adoptive couple. What about the adoptive couple? How do they feel? What happened that made them change their minds about contact? What was said or done that made them (seemingly) suddenly back away and assert their LAWFUL RIGHT to cut contact?
See, we dont get to hear their side of the story. We dont know why they made their decision to back away. Why? Because they have chosen NOT to start blogs with the birthmom's name all over it. They have chosen not to make a media spectacle of their daughter's adoption. They are choosing not to fight a public fight.
I KNOW I will hear some pretty heavy comments or get some crazy emails about this post. But please know before you type: I am thinking about this NOT just as an adoptive mom. Not as a mother at all. I have truly thought about this from both sides of the coin, as someone not related to adoption in any way. And I can NOT find a good reason to support this woman's cause to "Bring ____ Home". That little girl IS home. She is at home with the only parents she's ever known. She's at home in the only family she has ever lived with, the only friends she's had, and the only school she's ever attended. She IS home. Leave her alone.
AND....AND..AND! I DID read the website from beginning to end, with an open mind. I DO understand that she is upset by the way this is all turning out compared to what she WANTED it to look like. But I DONT understand how she thinks a legal battle will help any relationship she had the chance of forming with her daughter. Now that she is dragging them to court, does she really think that will make them WANT to reinstate visits or calls or letters? Does she think this will endear them to her? Make them WANT to spend time working on a reasonable relationship?
The fact is, she placed her child for adoption almost 6 years ago. She doesnt like that the law isnt on her side, and that she isnt getting what SHE wants, so she's taking it to court. This situation was entirely avoidable if she had done reasonable research BEFORE placing the child on a plane to go home with anothe couple.
During our adoption wait, we had the potential to be matched with an acquaintance who lived in Delaware. Delaware's adoption laws give firstparents more rights/more time to change their mind/more legal backing than our state. Our state has laws that protect the adoptive families. The acquaintance made ONE PHONE CALL and learned that Delaware protected her more than our state, and she wasnt comfortable working in our state. Therefore, the adoption didnt happen. My point is, all it took was ONE PHONE CALL for this girl to realize what she was/was not comfortable with, what needed to be done to ensure her wants/needs were met re: openness, etc, and she had time to think about it and deicide she wasnt comfortable with the laws in our state. WHY didnt this birthmom do a little research and make sure SHE was protected? It just doesnt seem like something one should "trust" to someone else or take lightly. This was a HUGE decision in her life and in the life of her child. HOW could she NOT KNOW that the ONE FORM/DOCUMENT wasnt filed? How could she let that get past her? I dont understand that.
There are certainly other aspects of this case that make me question motives on both sides. I am NOT saying that the adoptive parents are right. Or that they behaved nicely/appropriately/etc. That's just it. I dont KNOW if their behaviors were appropriate because they are choosing not to share that with the whole world. Is it because they are afraid they are wrong? Or is it because they are afraid of forcing unneccesary attention and spotlights on a little girl who hasnt asked for it? Is it because they know the law is on their side and dont need to recruit support? Or is it because they know they are guilty of the deception this woman is claiming? We dont know.
But I do know that this little girl's ENTIRE life will be shaped, in some way, by this experience. She will be able to google her parents' names and find the court case involving her 6-year-old-self. She has siblings living with her birthfamily who, at very young ages themselves, are apparently distraught over the events unfolding around their middle sister. (I wont go into my feelings on the fact that those children are even being made aware of the drama....bottom line: IN MY OPINION, those kids shoudnt be dragged into this grown-up situation either.) This little girl will forever have to deal with the regret that her birthmom is apparently feeling. And that's a tough assignment for a little kid. :(