Wow....just, WOW...

....that about sums up the past 3 weeks of our lives here. Wow. So much has happened. Lots of excitement and lots of disappointment, followed by sighs of relief and a huge "Thank You, God!"
Turn back three years. Eric and were just starting to try to get pregnant and I was looking for someone to talk to. I joined a baby-centered website to track my cycles and figure out when to time "the deed". The site had a forum for all kinds of mommies to chat. There were boards for Trying to Conceive, Expectant Mommies, Raising Babies, School-aged Children, etc etc. I, naturally, clung to the Trying to Conceive board where I made friends quickly. Everyone had cute little signatures stating who they are, where they were from, how many kids they had, how many miscarriages they'd had, how long they'd been trying, what they were doing to try, etc etc. I got to know people quickly, and was excited about "meeting" new friends where I could share anything and not see their faces if they were judging me. :)

That board closed, but the majority of mommies met up on a private board that two girls were so nice to make for us. Now, we had friendships AND privacy. No strangers to come and prey on us or judge us. (ha)

I made some really good friends on "mommy dot com", as Eric refers to it. Some friends have visited me here in Florida, with some I talk on the phone, with others we IM or email 100 times a day. These are girls I have come to trust and love, and one in particualr I consider a BFF though we've never even met. (KatmanDOOO!) I have learned so much from my mommy board experiences, that i never could have learned otherwise. Relationships have changed, we sometimes have to agree to disagree, and I have had the pleasure of watching them all have babies and become wonderful mommies while they all cheer us on in our quest to become parents....finally. The experience has been invaluable.

So, imagine my surprise three weeks ago when I get a PM (private message) on our mommy board from another member. This member has been going through significant drama in the past year or so with a boyfriend/husband, her work, her mother...and now a new pregnancy. For privacy reasons, we'll call her Pam (Eric made it up...Potential Adoption Mommy). So Pam PMs me and says she would like the contact info for our adoption agency. Keeping in mind that Pam lives several states away, I send her the link with best wishes and hope she is doing well. Pam and I then begin exchanging PMs more frequently, as she shares that she is likely placing her baby for adoption. She was considering placing her son, due Christmas Day, for adoption and wanted to know how I felt about some things. Eric and I discussed this possible situation and treaded lightly. Pam and Eric and I exchanged many PMs where Pam told us she felt that we would be the best parents for her son, and that she knew that Eric and I would love this baby almost as much as she does. She sent us pictures of her daughter, who shares the same daddy as baby boy due on Christmas. She told us about her and her soon-to-be-ex's likes, dislikes, health, weight, history, etc. She made plans to speak with our agency and followed through. Eric and I were on cloud 9, and climbing. This couldnt be happening!? We KNOW her. We LIKE her. Our son would get to know both families. We know she is healthy. She knows how badly we want this. The positives kept piling up.

Pam and I both left messages for our agency the following day. I told them that a friend would be calling and that she might use our names, and just a head's up. Pam called and left a message, too. The woman Pam was supposed to speak with, G, was out of the office, so OUR represenative called her back to ensure she heard something back soon. No one wanted to keep her waiting. So Pam and D, our rep, talk and the conversation didnt go too well. D is trained to speak with adoptive couples, so may have worded things awkwardly. Pam didnt like D, and she let me know. I immediately yelled at D for potentially ruining the situation, and D found G, who was back from vacation, and who is a birthmommy coordinator, more experiences with how birthmommies think and what Pam might be needing. G and Pam spoke the next day, and Pam emailed me proclaiming that G "was a DREAM to work with!" Phew...crisis averted.

In their conversation, G advised Pam to keep things legal and through the agency, since emotions can get involved in PMs and emails, and we didnt want to get out of line on either side. This happened after Pam had already reassured us that it "seems as though we are all on the same page" as far as openness. We agreed that we would provide upates,send pictures, and I would post about his first tooth, first step, first word, etc on the mommy board. Visits were a possibility, despire the distance. Pam said it sounded okay, but she wasnt sure she would want the updates or pictures because it might be too hard. We understood, but knew we would make things as open as possible since we have known Pam for so long, and would love to share her story with our son with knowledge, not just guessing.

So, we attempt to keep things with the agency and wait for some word. Pam spoke with G on a Thursday and G assured Pam she would be sending out a packet of information for Pam to look over, and G would call her the next week.
So, the next week arrives, and no one has heard from Pam. No big deal. She must just be busy. End of that week rolls around and G decided to call Pam to see if she had received the packet. G does not return 2 phone calls from G that week.
The following week (last week), Eric and I email Pam to say we were thinking about her because we knew she had a doc appointment and we are aware she has ignored 2 phone calls from the agency. Short response from Pam, via PM, saying that things are busy, her daughter was sick, daycare nightmare, soon-to-be ex is stiring the pot, but she knows she needs to call the agency back as soon as she gets a chance. (Note, no mention of "im reconsidering" or "i am moving on" or even "leave me alone")

So Eric and I (and all of our friends and family) are now thinking that Pam is flaky and starting to pull away. Our heads say "run away" and our hearts say "she is going through the most difficult situation we can ever imagine, 2 weeks without word from her is not that big a deal...just wait".

So we continue to wait. And wait. I reread the exchange of emails we first shared, and think "there is no way she is backing out now....she shared so much with us....she said several times that we are the ones she wants....her family is all for it...." I have faith that Pam is going to at LEAST email and say "still thinking" or "i havent backed out, i am just busy". instead, we got nothing.

Until yesterday at noon.

Pam PMd me and said "Kathleen, I have had a lot to think about and pray about. I am not giving my baby up for adoption. I hope you can understand. Pam"

I cried a little, but was happy to hear that she had decided to keep him. That she would be parenting him herself, despite the drama in her life. He is HERS. Of course I understand why she would keep him!

What I didnt understand was why she would make us wait weeks without any signs that she was even alive. Why would she ignore emails, PMs, phone calls? Why would she build our hopes up with pictures and stories, only to drop off the face of the planet? I could understand a stranger doing this. But remember, Pam has known me (and thus Eric) for almost 3 years. She is well aware of our desire to have a family, and even more aware of the things we have been through to try to make a family. She knows how much we have been hurt by bad news in the past. Why would she build us up, only to break us down? If she was so unsure, why would she even involve us in the first place? Why did she need OUR agency's number? COuldnt she have just found an agency in her own state? Worked with someone else she knew? Yes, I understand why she would keep her kid. No, I dont understand why she would drag us into her dramafied life.

So I told her so. I tried to be nice. I really did. But I needed her to know that she had hurt us.
Turns out, she is probably NOT keeping him. She is just not giving him to us. Again...why drag us into it if she wasnt certain?
As of the latest, she is probably not keeping him, but is working with THREE OTHER AGENCIES in her state. She has told me on no less than three separate occasions that we would be the best parents for him. Yet, she doesnt like that our state doesnt recognise or enforce open adoptions, so she is moving on. So let me get this straight...she feels that we would be THE BEST for her son, but she doesnt want to give her son THE BEST she's found, because SHE wants an enforceable open situation?

Let me just tell you that Eric and I would love an open adoption situation. Some day our child is going to ask us questions about his or her birthmommy and we want to have answers and the truth. We want to tell them what they want to know and introduce them to the woman who carried them, when the time is right. We want open lines of communication and respect for the best interests of the child. And that's not a line of crap. That is really what we want. We are trying our best to put ourselves in the child' shoes and imgaine some of the things they might ask...and we want to tell them the truth...and we want the birthmommy to be able to tell her own side herself when the time is right. So what if my state wont enforce that? I would never pull a child away from their first mommy just to make myself a little more comfortable, or just because the law says I dont have to keep contact. Its not about ME, its about the child. So how Pam came to the comclusion that we did not want an open adoption is a mystery. She went so far as to tell me "you want a baby dropped off on your doorstep" and that I didnt want contact between the birthmom and the child. Where did she hear that? Did she ask me? no. She just assumed. And now she is moving on, and so are we.

Clearly, this child is not meant to be our Baby Bass. God has better plans in store for us. I can honestly say that we feel like we dodged a bullet, even though we may have been grazed. If both sides werent going to be comfortable with the plan, it wouldnt have worked. My issue is, she didnt even ask if we were comfortable. She just assumed. She never even gave us the opportunity to say "no". She let two people who she felt were "the best possible parents for him" (her words) wait without any word or warning, and then dropped us like a bad habit.

There is much more to this saga...some PMs with questions about whether or not we would want to be at the hospital when she gives birth, whether or not we planned to circumsize him, several exchanges of pictures, and reassurances on both sides that people were sleeping easier seeing where it was headed. We had every right to get our hopes up, every reason to believe she was legit. I have known her for YEARS, for crap sake!


So...we are moving on. Literally and figuratively. Eric has been in talks with his company to move us to Texas. I'll post more about that in another blog, but I just felt the need to get this all out there now. Maybe it will help me feel a little better.

God has a plan and a perfect Baby Bass for us. She or he will make their way to us eventually. I just hate that we had more drama in the mean time. I was fairly certain that our fertility drama had made me stronger and more apt to handle whatever adoption could sling at us. I was wrong. I never saw this coming. Never. I can see some perfect stranger changing her mind or becoming uncomfortable and falling off the face of the planet. But someone I have known and tried to help in the past? No way. She didnt even have the courtesy to take 3 seconds to say "hey, florida law worries me...can we talk?" or "not sure florida law has enough of what i am looking for...any thoughts on how open you would be?" nothing. She just assumed and moved on without telling anyone. And that stinks.

So, I plan to focus on the future, and the possible/probable move to Texas we will be facing in the next 3 months or so. Like I said, more about that later.
For now, i am getting ready to go watch the shuttle launch with our BFFs and the best man I know. I plan to send my anger towards this situation and my pain from embarassment on that shuttle to space. I dont need it hanging around here anymore.