She chose another family

I got a few hours of sleep before the phone started ringing again. I just dont have the energy to be strong for everyone else right now. I am sad that someone else is holding that little girl tonight. I mean, I am thrilled for that family and especially happy for the little girl...I am sure she will be given a wonderful life! I am just envious and wish it was our turn. I will return phone calls and text messages once I can get through them without crying. I am about to throw a small pity party, so bear with me.

It is very hard not to think about alllllll the signs God has sent us over the last 3+ years. Not once have we been given a sign that would indicate we should keep moving forward in this process. He has never given us a sign that we were moving in the right direction, and in fact we have received nothing but "no" every time we try to become parents. It is very difficult not to focus on that and think "maybe we are just not meant to be parents...maybe being parents is OUR dream, but that dream may not fit into God's plan...." So...we are going to cry a little bit and pray a lot and hope that we get some answers about which way to move. I honestly wanted to tell Denise to pull our profile and stop showing it. I just hate the thought that we may go through this many more times before we find a baby. Its like we are trying too hard, forcing it. Denise said she would like to see a little more action on our profile, but she doesnt think we are doing anything wrong or that we need to change our profile at all. I just have to disagree. There must be something that these girls dont like about us. How can FIVE separate, different girls from different backgrounds and different situations put us aside and say no to us? Our profile reflects who we are, so I dont think we need to change it. I dont want to pretned to be something we arent, and trick someone into placing their child with us. I just wonder if we just arent the parent-type. Some people just arent meant to have kids I guess.

I dont know. I guess my ego is deflated since a drug-addicted inmate who has had nothing but drama her whole life...who came from an alcoholic father and a deadbeat mother...who dropped out of school in 9th grade....who admitted she would have continued to do drugs if she hadnt been locked up......that kinda girl apparently dosnt think we would do a good enough job raising a child. That is a big blow to my self-esteem. Usually, I try my best not to care what anyone else thinks of me...but in adoption, you HAVE to care or you'll never get a baby. just cant figure out what more we could have offered to a girl who had that kind of messed up childhood. Who are these 5 families who were able to offer MORE?

Please dont get me wrong. I dont think we are perfect and I know we will not be perfect parents. I know we wil make mistakes. I know we dont know it all or have it all. I just dont know what else we could say or add to let these girls know how badly we want this. It doesnt make sense. And when things dont make sense as obviously as THIS, I have to question whether its God's way of saying "see how perfect that seemed...and yet it still isnt gonna happen for you....stop trying."

I know I am rambling. Vicodin will make me do that I have lost 4lbs since Eric left on Sunday night. I miss my other half and hate that we are apart during this. I know he is terribly sad, too, and I just want to give him a hug. I thought I was going to be waiting for him at the airport with a stroller and our daughter tomorrow night. I thought we'd have th best Christmas EVER. I thought we were about to be the most blessed people on the planet.

Now I just want him to come home so he can make me laugh and hold me.

I want someone to tell me how many more times we are supposed to go through this? At what point do we say "okay, this just isnt meant to be"? The IUIs, the IVFs, the doctors, the treatments, the shots, the paperwork, the tears, the waiting, the hopes....i know it would all be worth it,and I know we'll forget all about that stuff when we look into our child's eyes. But really? Why? Since 2005 I have been hoping "this will be our last christmas without a baby"...this is the 4th Christmas. Do you know how much that hurts?

I just dont know what more we need to do. What are we missing? Why arent we good enough for these girls? How am I supposed to get my hopes up ever again? Every baby deserves excitement and celebration...I just dont think I can motivate myself to even smile the next time our profile is shown.

Denise said something about being "really busy" in February, March, and April....she may have said January, too, but I was crying and didnt hear everything she said. She was trying to tell me that one of those babies might be ours. Forgive me if I cant get excited just yet. I know that today's little girl will never know how much we loved her...and we never even laid eyes on her.

OK...i am done rambling for now. Thanks if you read this far. I am not really writing for anyone else...just need to get it out of my head and Eric is not home to suffer through my ramblings

Thank you again for everything. I am overwhelmed by the support and emotion and prayers and excitement you alllll shared with us over the last day. I couldnt ask for a better place to visit. And I cant thank you enough. I only hope I can offer each of you that kind of support in your rough times.