You are gonna think I am bipolar...

...not that there is anything wrong with being bipolar...I am not saying that to make fun of people who suffer from bipolar tendencies. I am simply saying that *I* am not bipolar, but I sure act like it!!!

So, last night's post was pretty depressing, huh? What a Debbie Downer. Eww. Sooo not me. Did I think those things? yeah. Feel those things? yeah. But only long enough to get them out on the screen. Let me try to explain. I blog so I dont have to talk about things. If I type it, I dont have to tell anyone in real life. I can get it out of my head, off my mind, and let go of it once I type it out. That is probably why I felt the need to get alllll my Debbie Downer thoughts out on the screen in one shot, right away, when they were fresh. In hopes that they wont creep back and bring me down again.

So...now that their out there for all to see, let me tell you how I REALLY feel, when I am not in the middle of it, when I Have had time to think and reflect and learn from it. And some of you will probably think I am plagarizing the emails and PMs you have sent me overnight, but your words are what I was already thinking and realizing. :) So thank you for reminding me that I was right!

I think that the little girl who was born on Tuesday went home with the family she was meant to be with. She served a wonderful purpose in our lives before we even knew if she was ours. She opened the doors for me and my parents to begin speaking again. We havent spoken in 9 or 10 months, and that baby was a reason for us to celebrate, even if only briefly. She gave me and my mom something to talk about, think about, and relate about. She is helping my family heal. She is a little girl who got my mom excited about adoption. She is a little girl who showed me the love that our family can show. That little girl helped an entire family before she was even 48 hours old. She rocks. :)

Eric said last night, in his sweet attempts to calm me down, "maybe God just wants me to be HOME when we get our baby. Its not good for me to miss the first 3 months of our baby's life. I dont wanna be the scary bald guy she only sees on weekends...that cant be good for a baby." He made me laugh out loud, and I know he is right. Not about the bald part, cuz 99% of babies absolutely LOVE and are fascinated by Eric...(i think its the fact that they have more hair than he does!). So its not the bald part...but the fact that he needs to be home for this. Why should he have to meet his child and then leave for an entire week...only to see them on weekends. Not fair. He needs to be a huge part of this as well. I can picture us going to the hospital together and walking to the nursery together and peering through the glass in the nursery to see which one is our baby together. Taking turns holding him or her. Taking turns snapping countless pictures. Taking turns and doing it all TOGETHER. It would have been great, but it wouldnt have been the same without my Right Hand Man. He is so selfless to let me go get her by myself if things worked out. He just wants me to be a mommy and that means more than anything in the world.

I think yesterday's situation has served its purpose. It showed me friends I never knew I had. It showed me the power of prayer and a support system that no one on earth could rival. It showed me how wonderful my friends are, both near (next door) and far (belgium). It showed me how fantastic my Sisters in Law are, and how excited they are for their neice or nephew to finally make an appearance. It even showed me what great guys my friends are married to, and my friends' moms are pretty cool, too!

As I lay in bed last night, finally able to take something for my back pain (that has now crept into my neck), I was dozing off and thinking about how awesome God is. I have prayed for patience for so long. I have prayed for answers or peace or some sign that we are doing the right thing. And as I lay there I realized that He is so good. He has given us MANY signs. There are families who have been waiting for years for their baby to come along. There are couples who have endured far more than we have in the treatments and the procedures. We have only been waiting in the adoption pool for 4 months. That isnt so bad in the grand scheme. And we have been through fertility treatments and they didnt work, but at least we didnt have to pay a penny out of pocket! Eric's company paid for our treatments (and will pay for more if we want), and is giving us a huge assistance towards our adoption. There are couples who will go childless because money gets in their way. I cant imagine the heartbreak of knowing that we couldnt have children because we couldnt afford fertility treatments or adoption. We are so blessed, and I know that is a sign from God. He is trying to make it easier on us. :) He has handed us a heavy burden, but has given us the tools to carry it with a smile. What an amazing God.

And Mandy, my closest and farthest friend all in one smiley, happy, sunshiney body, reminded me this morning that God changed my heart. I tend to try to block it out, but Mandy remembers a time when I told her I didnt want to adopt because I didnt want to raise "someone else's" child. I said this at a time when our last IVF didnt work, and when some test results came back in a devastating blow. I was feeling down and pitiful. Within a few weeks (honestly, it could have been days or hours), God changed my heart completely. I prayed about it, out loud, with Eric, and he answered that prayer. He opened my heart, and now, I couldnt imagine growing our family any other way. Adoption is the only way for me! I couldnt ever picture myself pregnant, and I really couldnt picture myself giving birth...so I think a piece of me knew all along that biokids werent in my future or werent the way I was gonna become a mommy for the first time. God opened my mind and my heart, and lead me to a great agency. He has made this entire process very easy, if not emotional. But God has given me the faith and the strength and the best husband on the planet to help me get through this rollercoaster, and to prepare me for the rollercoaster of motherhood.

I truly believe that this will all make me a better mother. Eric and I first tried to get pregnant in June or July of 2005. If we had been successful on the first try, we would have a 2.5 year old. I am sure we would love that child to pieces and s/he would be enjoying tons of hugs and kisses and cuddles. I am sure we would love that child. I would like to think we would appreciate that child, and be grateful for everything that kid would bring to our lives. But I gotta be honest. Now that we have gone through this, and are stilll going through this, there is not one late night feeding, blowout diaper, funny face while trying new foods, giggle, coo, clap, smile, outfit change, new tooth (and the heartache that brings to everyone involved), first word, first belly laugh...nothing will be missed on us. We will appreciate every single second with our child because we know what it feels like without them in our lives.

It was funny and encouraging to hear alllll the people who said "This is IT!" int he last 2 days. a LOT of people had good feelings about this little girl. A LOT of people. I didnt know if I wasnt feeling that same excitement because I wasnt allowing myself to get excited after last month's drama...or if I really just wasnt feeling attached. Turns out, I wanted to get excited, but in my heart I knew that little girl wasnt ours. Its not our turn yet. When it is our turn, it wont hurt. We may have to wait and go without answers for a few hours, but it wont HURT the way yesterday did.

So, I think I might email Denise today and see what she was talking about when she said they are busy after the first of the year. I know our baby is right around the corner, but I wonder if she already has some expectant mommies in mind. Oh, and I'll probably give her a little friendly feedback re: the lack of contact she had with me yesterday.:) I'll be sure to mention that 500 women NEEDED to know some answers so they could get their houses cleaned and pack their husbands some lunch! :)

Again, thank you all for your support. Please remember to keep that little girl in your prayers, along with her new family and her firstmom, Tanya. I cant begin to imagine what a lonely day she is having.

Our turn will come....these tough times just make us stronger. :)