"They want to MEET YOU?? Why??" and other awkward topics

After some miscommunications and lack of communication with T and L, our agency has finally informed us that our lunch date is set for Monday evening. At 5pm, we will be meeting at a restaurant about 1.75 hours from our house. This leads me to believe that T and L do not live as close to us as we originally thought. T picked the restaurant called "Houlighan's" :) I like her already :)
Eric was told that our agency rep, D, will likely not make it to our meeting. When he mentioned how nervous we are about the meeting, and all the questions we have to ask before the meeting, the rep he was talking with said "I spoke with T today, too, and she is just as nervous as you guys are, and you guys are all sooo excited to meet each other and get past this part of the process. She is just as excited and nervous as you guys. You'll be great." So...we are hoping D will rearrange her schedule and make time to meet with us before Monday, but if not, we plan to just wing it and hope things "click" as well as we think they will.

There is some question...er, no...LOTS of questions about how "open" this adoption will be. If you asked me a year ago, I would have said "closed." Then we met with the agency and I changed my answer to "semi-open." Then I came across some blogs and info online, and my answer changed to "more open than closed." And I tend to lean that way about 80% of each day. The 20% part of the day where I lean towards closing it up usually follows a conversation with someone who has NO CLUE about adoption, or when I talk with someone who still thinks of adoption in 1950's terms and ideals. I dont like that 20% part of my day.

The fact is, this little girl (or whatever child God places in our arms) is not coming from my uterus. She will not have my DNA, Eric's DNA, Eric's nose, my eyes, Eric's hair (heehee), or my height. She will come from another woman's body. She will have a lot of questions about her background, how she got here, how we "found" her, why she wasnt raised with her brother and sister, and a million other thoughts we can't even think of ourselves yet. These questions will come over time, trickling in and opening up the door for more questions to follow. I never want to say to her "i don't know..." when it comes to answering questions about T or L or her siblings. If I dont personally know the answer, I want to be able to find the answer without leaving her hanging. The best way to do this, in our opinion, and what works for our family right now, is to have what our agency calls a "semi-open adoption".

What this means: We are required (by our agency) to send photos and a letter every 3 months for the first year of her life (so, 4 in the first year). Then we are required to send one letter and some pictures once a year for the next 17 years. We are to send these updates/info packets to the agency. The agency will then contact T and L and let them know they have an update if they want to pick it up (or have it sent to them). It is then T and L's choice. Our agency claims that "most" birthparents (moms in particular) pick up the first two, maybe three updates. And though "99%" do not pick up their update packages after the first year, the agency keeps them filed until the child's 18th birthday just in case their first mom changes her mind and wants to read up.

Now, Eric and I are not a "do the bare minimum" kinda couple. We intend to send many updates and tons of pictures. Even videos if they'll let us. I want T to see her daughter grow up happy. I want her to know that she is well taken care of, and that she made a good choice in picking us. I want her to know that she will always be a part of our daughter's life, and that we will thank God for her in our prayers with Whitney every night. I can not imagine only sending one update a year. That's just not who we are. We want more for Whitney. We want her to get updates from T and L. We want her to learn about them and who they are. We want to answer Whitney's questions before she even asks them.

A wise person told me "for kids, adoption is only as confusing as the adults make it." Meaning, if we create confusing "stories" and bend the truth or hide facts from Whitney, then of course the situation will be confusing. But if we are honest with her from the start, and let her know how loved she is by lots of people, then there is little reason to believe she will be scarred for life. I was referring to "her adoption story" when trying to figure out how we will talk about this as she grows up. This same wise person also pointed out that people dont see their lives as having an "i'm the middle child story". Because being a middle child doesnt need a story. It is just who they are. They have a LIFE story, and being the middle child is just a part of their life. It is normal. So why should we treat the adoption aspect any differently? So she is adopted. That is part of her life story. But that isnt her WHOLE life. She will be so much more than just that one aspect. We will make adoption part of our normal. As we make it normal, hopefully our friends and family will make it normal and it wont be a topic of ocnversation that is awkward or hush-hush. On the other hand, it doesnt need to be shouted from any rooftops. It is just part of our story as a family. A part that is up to us to share with whomever WE choose to share it.

So back to the open, closed topic. Eric and I have agreed that RIGHT NOW we are not comfortable with meeting or hanging out with T and/or L regularly. Letters and photos and contact through the agency will be frequent, and certainly more than "required". But RIGHT NOW we dont see ourselves spending any time with T or L after placement. Will this change? maybe. probably. But not for a while, and more than likely not until Whitney is older. How old? I have no idea. We'll cross that bridge. What WE want and what Eric and I are comfortable with will be trumped by whatever Whitney wants and whatever is in Whitney's best interest in the years to come. Period. Her needs and happiness will come first. Always. Would it make me nervous or uncomfortable or even sad to hear a ten-year-old Whitney call T "mommy"? quite likely. But soooo much can happen between now and then, and I have a habit of over-thinking...so I need to let that go for now.

Eric and I trust that God has a perfect plan. So far, it is looking wonderful and we couldnt feel more blessed. Will we be great parents? absolutely. :)Will we be perfect parents? no.
I am debating whether or not to even hit "post" on this one because I know it might freak out some of my family or friends who are terrified of T "changing her mind" or "backing out" or "wanting her back". The fact is: this little baby is not even born yet. She is still T's little girl. If T feels like she should keep her, then she SHOULD! That is HER baby! She is in no way "ours" right now. She is no more "mine" than she is YOURS! So...when I talk about Whitney, yes, I am referring to the baby that T is carrying. Maybe I shouldnt. I am new at this. But we have been told that this baby WILL BE ours, and it just feels right. We have been told to expect to take this baby home with us to raise and love and enjoy and adore. Could that change? yes. BUt it hasnt yet. So for now, we are going with it.

I am sorry for the randomness of this post. I am tired and emotionally drained, and I miss Eric and I am anxious for Monday's meeting and...i have a bazillion other excuses. But just know that the bottom line in regards to the child we will eventually bring home is: every move we make will be in the child's best interest, after much prayer and thought. We will not be concerned with whether or not that makes anyone else (including ourselves!) uncomfortable or nervous. Its not about us.

So...lightening the mood a little........we are EXTREMELY EXCITED (mixed with anxiety, nerves, happiness, etc) about Monday's meeting. SOOO many more thoughts swirling through my noggin! :)