Torn

First, I want to thank everyone for thinking of us and praying for us. I know my Face.book and MM updates have let some of you know that things are taking a twist in our adoption plan with T. I will try my best to get enough info out there so you are updated, and hope that you will continue to pray for us, as we can feel ourselves being lifted up in prayer. My spirits are lifted, and are higher than I anticipated given the current situation.

As you all probably know or have guessed, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am an open book. I dont have secrets and I pretty much let everyone know how I really feel. In this situation, for the first time I can remember, I am not sure where to even begin with my whole "open book" policy, since there is just so much to tell and its all happened in such a short time. And I dont know how to tell you how I really feel, because it literally changes 3 or 4 times a minute. It is scary how quickly I can change my mind. One extreme to the other. Sad. Mad. Hurt. Scared. I have written and rewritten a post attempting to explain or in hopes of understanding it better myself. I just cant. I am so torn right now, and I just want someone to tell me what to do. Someone tell me that right answer. I am usually a detailed, long-winded story teller to begin with....but this latest situation has me literally speechless. A first for me.

We only have 31 days til T's baby is delivered. SO much has happened in the last 72 hours, I cant even begin to think about all the things that can change in 31 more days. Everyone invloved in this adoption match had been so confident in what the eventual outcome would be. So sure. Now, after T had a conversation with one of the reps at our agency, it is all tossed in the air. We are not allowed to see the sonogram pictures T gave the agency to give to us. We have been advised that we would be "silly" to back out now, since there is "still a possibility" that T will place. The agency claims they have us protected financially, but I am not concerned about the money. I am terrified of having our hearts broken in a way I have only read about, with tears in my eyes.

Please continue to pray for T, L, their families (sisters in particular), and the ultimate decision they have to make. Please pray that T lets us know if she thinks she might not place BEFORE we meet the baby. Please pray that our agency is open and honest with us, even if it means telling us things we dont want to hear. 31 days. It seemed "so close". Now it seems SOOOOO far away.

T has another meeting with the agency on Monday. The agency will let us know if her "normal, last minute concerns" have continued to develop into "red flags", as they did in Wednesday's meeting. Good, bad, or indifferent, the agency says they will keep us posted. "Maybe we are reading her wrong," they say. "Maybe these really are just her last minute concerns and thoughts that she cant share with anyone else." (or maybe she is trying to slowly back out of the whole process)

Again...I just typed 3 more paragraphs going over details of "she said, we said, they said"...and it gets me no where. No one reading this will have the answers I want to hear. And typing it out only makes me more confused. Bloggin' in out is not helping me this time.

This adoption is the biggest thing Eric and I will ever be a part of. There are no "textbook" adoptions. They are all different. Some seem so confident the whole way thru, and then fall apart after delivery. Some seem sketchy they whole way thru, and then end in such confidence in leaves people speechless. Some flip flop back and forth so many times, but in the end are the way they are meant to be. Each situation is so unique. Ours is no different in that aspect.

I have to leave you with this, as we are trying to fill our weekend with lots of activity and "stuff", just to prevent sitting around and thinking about it. We were planning to paint her room this weekend. We have changed those plans. Gotta find other things to do with our time.

I'll keep you as posted as I can without going insane. Thanks for thinking of us.
I am sorry if this post is confusing or vague or random. Thats kinda how my head is working right now.