"Open" is kind of a funny word.....

*edited to add info about agency at the end*

OK, i have had this post and these thoughts in my head for several weeks now. It has taken a LOT to force myself to get on here and actually type it all out. Not because I dont want people to hear it, or because I am not willing to share it. Quite the opposite actually. I WANT to share our story. I WANT to open peoples' minds. I WANT to fill you all in. There is just sooo much to tell...to try to make it all make sense....to try to explain. I just dont want to leave anything out.
Dont get me wrong, I dont feel like I HAVE to explain anything to anyone. But I want to. WE want to. Eric and I both agree that, with the number of family and friends who read this blog, it might be easier to field questions or concerns after everyone has read the WHOLE story. After everyone has attempted to see things from OUR point of view. Dont get me wrong. I dont expect to change anyone's minds re: adoption. If you have a negtive view of adoption, or think birth families should fall off the face of the planet after placement, or even if you have extreme views re: what to call "birth moms" "first moms" or whatever, then you probably wont be comfortable with what we have to say. I am not here to be politically correct. I am not here to please anyone. In asking myself "why even bother writing it all out? what is there to be gained?" (thanks Mandy! :)), I have come to realize that I can handle the potential questions and comments and concerns from family and friends BETTER if they are in an email or a comment or a (hopefully) well-meaning way. If I get reactions in person, its harder to defend our choices. Its harder for me to think on my feet and give my real reasons for making the choices we are making. I get all flustered, trying not to make a mountain out of a mole-hill. And then, after the fact, I inevitably think "maaan, I should have said...." or "I WISH I would have told her....". So this gives everyone a way to hear it, all at once. And, in the wise words of one of my closest, bestest friends "at the end of the day, who care is they dont like it. Its YOUR life."
So here is goes. (ugh)

Remember when I was freaking out about a second meeting with T and L? "Why does she want this second meeting?" "What does it mean?" "Is this a good thing or a bad thing?" Well, T was allowed to choose any restaurant on the planet and she chose a buffet. Not MY idea of "yummy", but she was 84 months pregnant and wanted "all-you-can-eat". Go her! So we go to dinner and all is going well. Nice conversations, smiles, laughing, the works. Eric and L were up at the buffet. T, the agency rep, and I were all at the table chatting. And then the agency rep got up to head back to the buffet...leaving us there alone....together....just the two of us. At first I thought "Oh no! She wasnt supposed to leave us alone! We arent supposed to be alone together!" and then I thought "hmm, maybe this isnt so scary...". I was just terrified that I would say something that could later derail the whole adoption plan. I was never aware of what I was/was not "allowed" to say to T. I knew what I WANTED to say. But never knew if it was allowed. Would I be coercing her? Would it be a promise I coudlnt keep? Would i over-step and blurt out how much we already loved the baby in her belly?? I didnt trust myself not to talk too much.

So we sat there alone, and T seized the moment. She told me she wasnt loving working through the agency. She didnt think they were relaying messages to us fast enough (duh!) and she wanted us to know that there were things she wanted to talk about that they wouldnt let her. I told her quickly that we needed to stick with the agency, for legal reasons (i didnt mention the financial reasons, but it DID pop into my head), and that I agreed with her that we felt that things werent being passed along in a timely way. (Like when she was in the hossy with kidney stones and no one kept us updated...T had asked them to call us repeatedly, and apprently they told her they would. But in reality, they waited for US to call THEM. Not a BIG deal, but T and I werent sure what else we were being left out of.)

So we chatted nicely and I asked her if she was ready. She said "yes. Why dont you give me your phone number? that way we can talk WITHOUT the agency." Just like that. boom. I was just making small talk, trying to ask if she was ready to have a baby!

I was a little stunned and, to be quite honest, scared. ALLLL these thoughts went through my head...what do I do? am I allowed to give it to her? I CANT give her a wrong number? Will she be able to find our last name? Will she be able to find our house? What do i DOOO? WHERE is the agency rep!?!?

So my mini-freak-out in my head had to be pushed aside so I could speak and give T an answer. A number. OUR number. My phone had broken AT the table during the first round of buffet trips. She knew *I* didnt have a phone. So I tried to use that. "Well, my phone just broke...sooo...i dont know if my new phone will have the same number..." (i know...stupid). So she asked for Eric's number. I knew I couldnt give his work number because his voicemail says our last name and the company he works for. So my only other option was to give Eric's cell phone number.

So I did. Quickly. "Maybe she'll miss a number or mix up two digits..."

T put Eric's number into her phone and the rest of our group sat back down. We finished the meal quickly and took some cute pics out in front of the restaurant. I couldnt stop thinking "what have I just DONE!?! What happens now?! oh NOOO!!!" but I had to pretend I was cool with it. Eric and I had been told REPEATEDLY that we were NOT to be left alone together. And then they left us alone together! How could they do this?? I never really knew WHY it was so important that we not be left alone..I just knew it was critical that we ALWAYS have a rep with us. i never really questioned it. I just went along with what the agency "the experts" told us to do for fear that NOT following their rules would result in....i didnt know what...but 'really bad things'.

So we snap a few pics and get in our cars (which, btw, we had been told to park backwards in a spot so that they couldnt write down our lisence plate number...??? just another one of those things that made this all feel a bit "dirty") As soon as we get in the car, I told Eric "change your voicemail. right now. take our last name off your voicemail. she has your number." His eyes got HUGE and he said "Kathleen...what????... how?... why?" and I explained that we had been left alone just long enough for her to ask for our number. He was instantly worried and panicked. We both were. He changed his voicemail and we talked it through for a minute before making the usual "it went great!" phone calls to our parents and friends. We immedaitely agreed that NO ONE should know that this happened. Well, thats not exactly true. We agreed that our family and friends didnt need to know this part of our story. *I* wanted to call the agency and ask what to do and how to handle it. Eric thought that could get us in even more trouble.

We tried to figure out exactly how this could hurt things. Was it even legal? What if she calls? What if she DOESNT call? What will we say? What are we NOT allowed to say? And after a few minutes we came to the conclusion that, what was done was done...we couldnt take it back...and if it became an issue, we could always change his phone number. We both sat there in the car, driving forEVER back home, calling our parents and telling them how "GREAT!" and "AMAZING!" it was. We decided we wouldnt tell anyone about the number situation because it would freak everyone out. Heck, at that point, it freaked US out!

So we are pulling into the parking lot at our local cell phone store (remember how my phone broke at the table? yeah. had to make sure I had a new one PRONTO!) and Eric's cell rings. Its T. We didnt KNOW it was T, as I didnt get her number. But we both KNEW it was her. So I answered.....

...and it was great.

T instantly had a lump in her throat and said, "Oh my Gosh, Kathleen, I am so glad you answered! I am soooo happy you didnt give me a bogus number! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I know i can trust you now...." Phew. Wow.

So T and I talked for almost 2 hours while Eric dealt with cell phone madness. She was so sweet and amazingly grateful...to us? what? She was saying "thank you" to US!? Shouldnt WE be thanking HER!? I think we both used that phone call to get a few things "out there" and in the open. She wanted to know how open we were willing to be. I wanted her to know that I couldnt answer that question yet because I just didnt want to over-promise and under-deliver. I didnt want her to think I was promising visits and phone calls and letters and meetings just so she would sign TPR the next week. I told her the honest, bold truth. I reminded her that our state doesnt recognize "open" adoptions, and that if she wants us to meet up at the local McDonald's so all the kids can play on the playground and eat happy meals, it wasnt likely and we werent the couple for them. But if she was okay with the letters and picture schedule the agency setup, then we could promise that. Beyond that, I *THOUGHT* we might be willing to send more pics and letters and even videos, but that I wasnt willing to commit to anything more than what was required. I was terrified that I would lead her to believe we were gonna be BFF, when I really just wanted her to know that I wasnt going to take her baby and fall off the planet. There was a verrrry fine line that I danced around.

I was proud of myself for how honest and straight-forward I was. I knew that we were willing to go above and beyond with providing her updates and info. I couldnt let her know that though, because I didnt want to promise anything. I knew we werent going to be okay with meetings, or with T calling to talk to Whitney, and I told her so. I told her that I didnt know what our life would look like with a child, so I couldnt tell her what things would look like in a month, a year, 12 years. She understood and appreciated my honesty. She said that she wasnt really sure she wanted meetings at all, unless "someday, MAYBE if the baby wants to meet...maybe". She just wanted to hear from us what we pictured. She wanted reassurance that we werent going to snatch the baby and run. Undertandable. She was nice enough to say "I understand that you guys need to be your family of three...i dont want to interfere with that in ANY way. I want her to know YOU are her parents. And youre going to be great parents. I just was curious about what you pictured in the future." We were on the same page. Even if we ended up there via different paths.

Eric was giving me the hairy eyeball from inside the cell phone store the whole time we were on the phone. He wanted to know what I was saying...wanted to make sure I wasnt promising her the world....wanted to know every word we uttered. Both of us kinda realized that our initial "oh CRAP!" reaction had turned into a "this could be exciting!" kinda mood.

We were actually happy with the conversation and the fact that she called. We were happy that we could reassure her. And I was really happy that I was able to tell T "please...if you arent SURE about sigining, PLEASE dont bring us to the hospital. I CANT hold that baby if she isnt coming home with us. Please understand that we love her already, and we know that you can still change your mind at any time. So until you KNOW or until you sign, PLEASE dont ask us to come see her." She TOTALLY understood and said she would never do that to us. I WANTED to believe her...but the fact is, she was still a "stranger" at this point.

The best part of the conversation was when I told her that I understand that she wants me to say certain things and promise things will be a cetain way, but that I was still a stranger to her, and she was still a stranger to me. We both know that the other could be blowing smoke. And she said "Kathleen, that's why her middle name has to be 'Faith'. Because we all just have to have faith that we're in this for her best interest. I have to have faith that youre really as good as you look on paper. And you have to have faith that I am going to place her next week." ...what a relief? What a wonderful thing to say. It all started to fall into place.

We talked a lot more about her life and how she ended up where she is. She told me about her family and who was supportive, who wasnt, and who she didnt care about. We laughed a lot, even though there was still that "is this really happening" tension.

At one point, Eric's cell phone battery died and we lost contact. Her number, somehow, wasnt saved in his phone so we had no way of calling her back to let her know i hadnt hung up on her on purpose! We panicked. Eric called the cell phone company (we were home by now) to try to recover the number and it was gone. We waited and waited, praying she would call back. And she did. We were so relieved. She said she knew I hadnt hung up on purpose, and was just glad I answered again. :) We were both feeling each other out...testing the waters. She was testing us to make sure we would give the correct, legit phone number...testing us to see if we'd answer....and asking all the questions she needed to have answered in order to make a confident decision about placement.

After the marathon phone call that night, Eric and I agreed that God worked it all out the way it was supposed to happen, and that He wouldnt put us in this situation if there wasnt a good reason. From my phone breaking AT THE TABLE, to giving her the right number despite my fears, to talking it all through with her and going to bed content with our conversation....He had it all worked out. It all fell into place where it was supposed to.

Now, IN THAT MOMENT and during those days right before placement, I wasnt so sure! I was a WRECK. An absolute MESSSS. I called the agency and cursed them out for leaving us alone. I yelled at anyone there who tried to tell me it was MY "fault". They even suggested that we shouldnt take the placement of this baby because "clearly you arent comfortable." I not-so-nicely explained that *I* was the one who told THEM that we were willing to be more open. They told me "you say that NOW, but wait til you hold that baby...you probably wont want to be so open THEN!" and they TOTALLY discouraged us from sending anymore than the minimum requirements in updates and pictures.

Over the last year, I have been scouring the blogs and message boards for adoption stories. Positive. Negative. Indifferent. Initially I was looking for info on how to tell our child s/he was adopted, what to say/not to say, politically correct stuff. But there werent many blogs or stories about that (that i could find), and I kept stumbling across blogs written by birthmoms, first moms, or whatever term you prefer to use. Women who had chosen to place their babies for adoption. I learned soooo much from these women. Yes, they were on the "opposite" side of the story, but hearing them talk about their feelings and what helped them, made me want to try harder for our child's birthmom. I wanted our child to be well-adjusted and to know where s/he came from. I'll be honest, my knee-jerk reaction was to say "we want 100% closed adoption...i am cool with NEVER meeting the birth family...I DONT want the birthmom to hold the baby in the hospital...I DONT want contact after we leave the hospital....CLOSED means CLOSED." And then I enlightened myself and looked at the situation from other points of view. The most important point of view being the baby's.

Someday, Whitney might have questions. She might not. But if she does, WHEN she does, Eric and I want to be able to get her answers. If we dont already know the answer ourselves, I want to be able to contact T or L and fill in her blanks. In order to do that SOMEDAY (9, 12, 27 years from now), we need to maintain a reasonable level of contact now. And so far, we have.

T called on Whitney's one week birthday and just wanted to know how she was eating and if she'd gained her birth weight back. She left a voicemail. Again, that initial "oh CRAP!" button was pushed and we got all wide-eyed and worried. But about 4 minutes later we both realized that there was NO HARM in calling her back. So we did. Eric did. He called and told her that Whitney was doing great, she'd gained her weight, she had met half the world in just one week, and we had tons of pics to send to her. She cried she was so happy. Again, she said "I cant believe you called me back. Thank you so much! I wasnt sure if you would. I wanted to leave you alone so you could be your happy family of three...but I just wanted to check on her and make sure she gained her weight..." It was a nice conversation. Much shorter than the first time, but perfect all the same. We promised her we would give Whitney kisses for her asnd L, and told them we loved them.

She called again on Whitney's two week birthday. After the knee-jerk "again?!" moment, we called her back. Told her things were still going well and that we tell Whitney about them all the time. She was thrilled and said "I PROMISE not to call every week! I am just having a hard day today and have been thinking about her so much." She thanked us for calling back again, and told us how "truly amazing" we are. :) It felt good to know that we were helping her through her tough time. We cant even imagine how hard this was for her. She told us that she was going to the counseling sessions at the agency, but that the phone calls with us have helped her more than any counselor could. It makes sense. She needed to know that Whitney is okay. That she made the right choice for the baby..even if it was hard. And we now know that, by returning T's calls and maintaining contact, we made the right choice for Whitney...even if it was hard.

And ya know what? Its not hard anymore. Six months ago, 2 months ago, 7 weeks ago, if someone had told me that I would ENJOY phone calls from my child's birthmom, i would have LAUGHED one of those awkward nervous laughs that says "oh GOSH no...not ME! I dont want ANY contact with the birthparents....as little contact as possible..." But now, I cant imagine it any other way. I LOVE knowing that T is happy with her decision to place. I love knowing that she is confident in her choice and that she still loves that she picked us. I love that Whitney will have even more answers if she wants them. Part of it may be selfish, in that I love that Whitney will never be able to come to me and say "Mom, why did you give my birthmom a wrong phone number?" or "Mom, T says that she called you and you never called her back...why??" I dont ever want to be "the bad guy" who denied her daughter access to her history. So in that sense, I am trying to protect myself. But I am really MORE interested in ensuring Whitney is confident in who she is and how she got here.

So when I have told this story to friends and family, the immediate reactions are:
"Oh my GOSH! you gave her the wrong number, didnt you???"
"Oh NO!!! Kathleen!! What are you going to DO!?"
"Oh jeesh, youll just have to change that number..."
"She can FIND you now!!"
and panic attacks like that. :)
Everyone means well, and only wants what is best for us. So these reactions havent been because they have ill will towards T or L. It is just the first reaction since we were SUPPOSED To be in a closed adoption.
By the time I get to the "SHE was thanking US" part, everyone cools down and sees the good in it all. Or at least, the wide-eyed freak out faces make way for calmer "i'm so happy for you guys" faces. :)

How often will we talk to T? I dont know. Will it be enough? Too much? Will it get annoying? Will we ALWAYS talk? I dont have any of those answers. I dont know what tomorrow will look like. I dont know how our relationship will develop, or if it will just stay like this forever. All I know is that it works for us, for our family of three, right now. We like how this looks TODAY. I cant imagine it needing to change, but eventually it might for any number of reasons. We'll worry about that then.

Our state does not recognise open adoptions, meaning the law is on "our" side. If, for any reason, we no longer wish to have contact with T or L, then the law would enforce our rights as Whitney's parents. She would no longer be allowed to contact us. I just cant forsee that ever happening though. Why would I want to cut ties? I dont know. But I am sure it happens. Again, we'll worry about that if we get there.

How "open" is our version of "open"? In the grand scheme of adoptions, we are not very open at all. Adding a few phone calls here and there does not equal "open". I guess it isnt exactly "closed" either though. Closed = zero contact. none. And we have some. So we are somewhere in the middle...which is why I dont feel like a complete fraud having that "Open Adoption Bloggers" link up top. :)

So there ya have it. The whole shebang. I guess its really not as big a deal as I thought it was. I am glad I typed it out and got it out there. I say that I dont care what people think "because its OUR story" and it works FOR US. But I also know that I NEED to care what people think. For Whitney's sake. I need people to know and to understand that, even if it makes THEM uncomfortable or makes them say "*I* would never do it that way...", that they cant say those things or talk that way in front of our daughter. Someday, Whitney might talk about her birthmom and I dont want THEN to be the time this all comes out. I want it out there NOW, so that when a 10-year-old Whitney starts asking questions or talking about her adoption, people know the truth. Yes, it has helped me to get this out of my head and onto "paper", but I am hoping it helps Whitney (and other adopted kids) in the long run.

*edited to add: When we had our first post-placement home study done last week, the social worker told us that the agency sees the value of our experiences, despite the madness up front, and has used our example to help them to embrace more openness in future situations. She said they can see a true benefit to there being contact in situations where it’s the right thing to do. We agree that "openness" is not best in some situations. They will likely continue to push their closed-door policies, as they have worked thus far. But it is nice to know that our situation might help to change that. While frantic and hectic and scary at times, our adoption situation was able to influence the operating structure of a 30 year old agency! They wont change over night, but hopefully they will be more willing to at least DISCUSS varying levels of openness, to the benefit of other adoptive families.

And I'll leave you with the picture (and the onesie) that speaks a million words I could never type: