I am vowing to stand up for myself and not back down when someone challeneges my beliefs or my opinions, no matter how big or small. I have (had?) this nasty habit of agreeing with whomever I was talking with at the time, just to avoid conflict or to ensure that person didnt think I was an idiot for having a different view or opinion. Now, I will say that I have never backed down or followed the leader on any major, BIG issues that are dear to me, but I have been known to throw in the towel and say "that's fine" even when Im thinking "Nooooo!!" inside my head. I want to make sure I raise Whitney to defend herself with resepct and while respecting others opinions.
I think that is why I decided to make conscious efforts to grow a backbone. I am tired of reading FB status updates or blogs or message board posts that are CLEAR bashings on other people or ways of parenting. While I waited for Whitney to come home, I listened to several (MANY!) mommies feel guilty because they couldnt breastfeed, or feel defeated because they had a rough delivery and needed an epidural. I've heard girls literally cry and hold onto these feelings for YEARS because the pressure is sooo strong. And ya know what bothers me the most? The pressure these women feel is coming from OTHER MOTHERS! Mommy bloggers who have taken their blogs from "this is how I parent" and "look how i run my house" to "if you dont do it this way, youre a bad mother" and "if you choose that way of parenting, youre abusing your child". Ive said this somewhere before, but I think it bears repeating: *I* am the BEST mother for Whitney. Period. *I* know her better than any other person on this planet at this stage in her life. *I* (with her daddy, of course) make the choices for her right now that best suit her. We make ALL of our decisions with Whitney's best interest at heart. And in my opinion, that is what makes a great parent.
How is it MY right to tell someone that they are posioning their child by giving them formula? When did it become my concern if someone circumcises thier son? How does it effect me if a family chooses to co-sleep? Why should I care if a mommy works outside the home? Those are all choices parents have to make for their own children. And honestly, BECAUSE I am spending my time focusing on Whitney, I dont have time to search for articles proving why someone else is a bad parent. I dont have time to post evidence suggesting mothers everywhere are making poor choices for their children. I dont have time to research how anyone else should parent because I am too busy parenting my own child! And I wonder about those mommies who DO have time to post things on Facebook or circulate drama through emails and message boards. Im not judging you...but perhaps you should be spending more time with your own child, instead of worrying about how others are raising their little ones.
I can only be the best parent for Whitney. I cant worry about what other parents are doing to or for their children or NOT doing to or for their children. All I need to do is prepare Whitney to be the best person she can be. To try her best in all things. To never give up, but to know when enough is enough.
And that is why I am saying "enough is enough". I am sick and tired of the mommies bashing other mommies for not doing things a certain way. Raise your own kids. Focus on YOUR child's happiness and well-being. Dont worry about anyone else. And certainly dont worry about mine. I've got her covered. And while I may have a tough time learning to stick up for myself, I will bend over backwards, walk through the fires of hell, and lay down and die to defend my little girl.
So if you want to believe that my formula-fed, crib-sleeping, baby-food-before-6-months-eating, non-vaccinated child is in harm's way, then I dare you tell her that:
She looks completely neglected, endangered, and worried about her future. Doesnt she?
Im generally a good person. Im not mean unless I have to be, and even then, it doesnt feel good to me. But I gotta say this. If a mother is so hell-bent on tearing other mothers apart, judging their parenting, their children, and their lifestyle, then that mother better be ready when people start judging them in return.
I promise to get back to sunshine and rainbows now. I just remembered how good it feels to type something and get it out. Happy 2010 :)
17 comments:
KAT: Amen!!! Thankfully, we are all entitled to our own opinions, and what works for one may not be the choice for another, and that should be ok!! I LOVE to hear other people's opinions, but if I choose not to do it that way, then that shouldn't be an issue. Thanks for saying what lots of the rest of us feel! :-) HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Bravo! I see your backbone already:)
Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen ok ill stop there! But you couldnt have said it better! Whitney is perfectly fine! Look at that smile! You are such a great mom and dont let anyone else make you feel different. Ive been through the bashing and yeah it made me feel bad then i turned around said hey its my kid ill do what i please and do it how i do it and i have 2 perfect little boys because of my choices! I need to steal your resolution and do the same!
WELL Said Kat! U are a WOMAN / MOMMY for others to look up to! Never could I have said that better!!!!!! That only "danger" I see Miss Whitney being in is her face being covered in Kisses and her being smothered with LOVE!
HAPPY 2010!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bravo!! I am soooo with you! I know many people disagree with how Jay and I are parenting Shelby, co-slpeeing, pacifier, no cry it out, whatever, but being Shelby's parents is not their job/privelige!Somehow Jay doesn't hear the comments but boy do I! I would never bash anyone for their choices and I expect not to be bashed for mine. Just this morning I was thinking about how their are so many different ways of mothering/parenting and that's kind of neat. I think our girls are going to grow up just fine and very loved!
Great post! As a working mother I feel judged all of the time and truthfully even if we didn't need the money, I am not sure I'd stay home. My working works for our family and to be judged for that is BS.
I think a lot of people don't mean to come off like they're judging, they just feel like they're trying to save somebody from making the same mistake they did. If I'm posting something about natural birth, I'm not saying that I think I'm better than somebody who doesn't choose natural birth. It's just that I've had it both ways, and one way was awful and the other was amazing, so of course I don't want anybody to repeat my awful experience! I'm hoping to save somebody the back pain I feel 3 years after getting an epidural. I'm trying to save somebody from having a nurse slip then narcotics without consent. I'm trying to save somebody from having their entire perineum cut open (without consent) causing them 3 years of pain. And there are worse things that I'm too embarrassed to even share.
And as I've said a million times, nobody can make a person feel guilty about the choices they make if they truly believe they did what's best for their child. The only thing I feel guilty for as a parent is having Rachael vaccinated up to six months because I didn't research it. But nobody MADE me feel guilty. I never had a single person tell me I was a bad parent because I chose to vaccinate her.
Yes it is annoying as crap to have every single one of my choices judged on a daily basis, but I don't feel guilty. Even after my intervention-riddled hospital birth, I didn't feel guilty whenever I read a natural birth story. And not one person tried to make me feel bad for getting an epidural. And would I expect a woman who just had a natural birth and is extremely proud of herself to not talk about it just because I had a bad birth, no way! And would I think that she's trying to say she's better than me? No!
Yes, there is judgement out there, but I also feel a lot of people feel guilty or feel judged because in the back of their head, they know they have just done things that are easier or just because everybody else does it that way.
I think a lot of people don't even realize that others feel like they're being judged by their words. To be completely honest, I feel judged by your blog post about not judging! I feel like you're saying that be being on the internet a lot, that I'm not spending time with my kids. And that by sharing information I come across, it means I think I'm better than others. I know you didn't mean it that way, I'm just pointing out how people may feel judged when that's not your intention.
It's kinda funny that in the internet world it's the more mainstream parents who feel judged, but in the real world it's usually the non-mainstream people who feel judged.
And for what it's worth, I'm not ignoring my kids when I'm on Facebook, I'm nursing them ;)
Ok, this got really long and drawn out, and I did my best to put everything in the nicest way possible, but I won't feel bad if you choose not to publish this. It probably will make people mad. This is not directed specifically at you Kat, most of this is coming from what I've seen on messageboards over the last 4 years.
I do agree that bashing and judging is wrong, but I do love it when people share info! I have learned a lot from others that I probably wouldn't have even known to research on my own. I would be doing what everybody else is doing. How I would have loved for somebody to inform me of the risks of induction and epidurals before I had Rachael! I would probably not still be in pain after getting one 3 years ago!
And there are some things we will have to agree to disagree on. I know there are some things people consider to be parenting choices that others consider to be neglect. And if you really felt a child was being abused, you'd care right? I'm really not trying to start anything, just trying to explain where I and others are coming from.
There is no one size fits all plan for raising children, but I wish people would research what they're doing and have as much info as possible and then make the best decision for their child. People put more research into what camera they want to buy, than vaccinations, circumcision, and car seat safety.
I'm sure you hear me cheering all the way over here in Belgium. :)
Mandy
I hope my formula-fed (and therefore poisoned baby) looks as cute and happy as yours does when she's Whitney's age :o)
I think its very easy for us all to forget that everyone has their own story and reasons and while we might all like to do one thing (breast feed for example), we may find that when we're faced with the circumstance ourselves, we can't.
Judgement is harsh, we all do judge, but hopefully we all learn from our own "disappointments" to be a little kinder in our thoughts to others and to be a little slower in our judgements of others and a little more understanding towards others - that most people, despite outward appearances and our own perceptions, are doing the best they can. That was definitely the biggest lesson I have received in the past few years and few weeks, especially.
Kat, well said. I completely agree all that you said. I was just having a comverstation with a dear friend of mine and we were talking about how everyone's parenting style is different and the way you do is the way you do it, We shouldn't feel bad because someone doesn't agree with the way we do things. I do what works for me ( and of course sometimes it doesn't so I try something different) but what works for me and my children may not work for you and your children does that make you or me a bad mom?? not at all. what you blogged was well said and hit the nail on the head!!! Way to go for getting a back bone adn standing up for your self and the way that you and Eric raise YOUR DAUGHTER!!!!!
Morgan
Are people really saying formula is poison though? Even in the most heated debates on AB and JM, I've never seen it.
Or is the whole poison comment just a reaction to somebody saying it isn't as good as breast milk?
I just don't think we can stop the cycle of judgement if we're going around putting words in other people's mouths.
You are AWESOME!
So much to say, but too jet lagged to put it all on paper.
Because I think that this says it better than anything I could ever say. . .
“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”
-- Paulo Coelho
This is so simple...I LOVE YOU KAT!
Very well said and i"ve honestly thought of all of it before! Its taken so much for me to realize just what you said and know I'm a wonderful mom and so are so many others!
hugs and this post just made me feel good! hehe!
LOVE IT Kathleen! absolutely praise you for speaking up. Whitney's a very lucky little girl! Happy New Year mommy :)
Very well said Kat!!!
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