Another Great Visit with T and L

So we went to dinner with T, L, and A-from-the-agency. I am not a buffet kinda girl, but T picked a HUGE buffet restaurant near their house, so the preggo gets what she wants :) It turned out to be perfect since that style of "serve yourself" eating gave the 4 of us a brief opportunity to be alone together in the corner of a verrrry crowded, loud restaurant.

T and L reassured us, and we were able to reassure them. We are all in this together, for the good of the baby. T said the words "there is a ZERO percent chance of me backing out at this point", and I told her that I am glad to hear her say that now, but we understand that the next week could bring new feelings and thoughts, and that we werent holding her to it. :)

We all laughed a LOT and genuinely enjoyed each other's company. I think Eric and I are starting to realize that some of the "shady-ness" we were sensing from T, might not have been T's "fault", but more the agency trying to protect both sides and all parties involved. They have a legal standpoint in this situation......T, L, Eric, and I all have emotional standpoints. We all just want to be reassured that we are still moving in the same direction.

I made sure to tell T on several occasions that she will not be saying "goodbye" to the baby, and that we will provide updates and work together for the baby's best interests. She said that relieved her a lot, and that she didnt think we were open AT ALL, according to what she had been lead to believe.

The fact is, we dont know how open "open" is at this point. I told her that I dont see us hanging out, doing dinners, or meeting regularly, and that it was important to me and Eric that we create our own "family" with the baby before we will really know what we are comfortable with. I might change my mind in a month and want to meet at some park halfway. I might not. She knows that, while our state is a "closed adoption" state, that doesnt mean that Eric and I are entirely closed....but it also doesnt mean we are entirely open. I thnk we were able to talk enough for me to say what I want her to know, in order to make her feel better-able to make her ultimate decision. And I expected nothing in return from her. She tried to tell us how sure she is and how positive she feels, and we thanked her and accepted the nice words...but we also know that she could change her mind completely 9 days from now.

I told her that I dont know what the future is going to look like, but that I hope she will tell me what she wants it to look like, in her eyes. And that I will be honest with her and let her know if her vision is something we are willing or able to provide. And I made sure she knows that there is no blueprint for our adoption. We dont have a direction manual or a set of instructions for what to do or what to say, what NOT to do, what NOT to say. So we wont be perfect, but we will try our best.

T said that she "just wants us all to be cool...someday..." and I think that works for us. I cant imagine a time when "being cool" with T and L would NOT work for us. But then again, those might be my famous last words. :)

A lot of people have opinions about how "open" we should be. I joke about it a lot. More than I should, probably. The fact is, we already love this little girl. We love T and L for bringing us this far. We are going to do what is best for her. Not what is best for T. Not what makes T feel most comfortable. Not what is best for us. Not what makes us most comfortable. Sometimes, it might get sticky. Sometimes it might be awkward or "unusual". But we will make it OUR usual. We will make it OUR normal. Even if it doesnt look normal to others.
THIS is how we were supposed to grow our family. Through adoption. And while it has definitely had its ups and downs, we have learned something every step of the way. And we'll continue to learn about each other, our family, our friends, our marriage, our strengths, our weaknesses, our faith, what works and what doesnt work. We just have to try to remember that THIS IS FUN. It might be work sometimes, but it is FUN. It is exciting. It is emotional. It is draining. It is dramatic (me?! never!). and it is the hardest, most rewarding thing we will ever be a part of.

Yes, yes, this little girl is blessed and lucky. But Eric and I, and all the people who will get to have a lil piece of Whitney in their lives, are the luckiest, most blessed, spoiled people I know. WE are lucky to have HER.

(Oh, and my phone broke tonight. At dinner. While I was trying to share a pic of the baby's mostly-painted room. It's a goner. We had to rush to the nearest cell store to buy me another phone immediately. What if it had broken NEXT Tuesday, instead of THIS Tuesday!?? What if I wasnt able to send out mass texts and updates on Face.book? What if I couldnt send out pics from the hossy??! OH NOOOO!!! So problem solved. New red, cute phone in hand. Ready for THE call next week. :))

When we left the restaurant (wheeeeled ourselves out after 4 courses), T asked if we had a carseat yet. We said "yep! its already in the car!!!" She laughed and said "that's soo cute! GOOD thing, too...cuz they wont let ya leave the hosptial with her if you dont have a carseat!"
It was a nice picture in my head....us leaving the hospital with our lil one strapped in the backseat, coming home...to our house...for good. :) Finally.

T goes in at 11:30am on Tuesday the 21st. She will not be IN the OR until 1:30pm. We dont expect an update from the agency until she is ready for us to be notified, and the agency is ready and prepared for us to know things and be involved. T has a doc appt and u/s on Monday, to get vitals and check the baby's position. We MIGHT hear something about that, but we doubt it. And trust me...you'll know as soon as we do. :)