trying to think straight

tomorrow will be a long day with little to no contact from T or the agency. Thursday around 12:30pm is the earliest she can sign consents, but because she never came up with a hospital plan, we have now all been blindsided by the hospital's policy of NOT allowing adoptive parents ANY access to the hospital, regardless of whether T wants us there. So even if T begs to see us, the hossy wont allow it (to protect themselves).

So we will NOT be meeting baby girl until Thursday, at the verrrry earliest (if at all?). And it wont be until AFTER the consents have been signed and T has been released and is off the hospital premises. Then, the agency will have legal custody of the baby until we sign our half of the documents. So they could drive her to our house, or bring her to the agency for us to pick her up, or they could wait at the hossy for us to get there once T has left the grounds. I am fairly certain T will not be happy with any of those arrangements, as she told us last week that she wanted to see us with the baby before she is released. I dont know how or if they can get around the policy so she can see us before, but Eric and I have already agreed that we would be open to meeting with T after we pick up the baby, so she can see us together if she still wants that.

This is all so draining. I am trying to remember what I felt like when I had my major surgery in 2000. I was in the hospital for several days, and I cant remember much of the experience. I was groggy and in pain, and felt like my abdominal muscles would rip apart if I spoke above a whisper or, God forbid, coughed or sneezed. I know my mom was there with me for those days, but I dont remember talking a lot, so I cant imagine I would have been willing to have visitors or make any life altering decisions/conversations. I want T to rest. I want her to feel better soon. I want her to feel supported. I know L has to work tomorrow and cant be with her in the hospital. I dont know if she has too many people who are close with her and willing to visit. I dont want her to be alone at this difficult time. (Unless, of course, she WANTS to be alone!)

I just want this all to be easier. For everyone. And it never will be. I dont know HOW anyone could make it easier for either side. But I certainly dont want people making it MORE difficult. Harder. I really, truly think that our agency should have known what the hospital policy was BEFORE T checked in this morning. This should NOT have been a surprise to any of us, and we certainly should have received a phone call before 4pm on the day this little girl was born.
And, if we're being honest, we didnt even get a phone call! WE had to call THEM.
Everyone says that I will forget all this negative thoughts and feleings towards our agency once I hold our little girl in our arms for the first time. Mark my words: I will not forget. I have it all written down so that this never happens to anyone else. So that birthmoms are not blindsided by hospital policies. So that adoptive families are not ignored and put off until someone could make time for them. I certainly wont be focusing on it in the moment I meet my daughter for the first time....but gimme a few months. A letter WILL be written and our feelings WILL be known. It is simply unacceptable.